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1.15.13

Oh my it’s been a while. Every time I’ve had a deep thought over the past several weeks, I’ve planned to put it on the blog with depth and emotion and insight, only to hurtle quickly into the next thing without every setting foot in this space. It’s tragic. My Catholic upbringing makes me feel so guilty for not following through with my intentions, but really, I don’t mind visiting this space only infrequently. My life is very full and honestly, my computer and internet are slow, so this takes a lot of time I don’t often have. Also I’m good at making excuses. ;)

Somehow since I last blogged, it became 2013. Sadly, as the clock struck midnight I was on the floor of a bar picking up glass from a champagne flute I carelessly knocked from a girl’s hands, kicking off the year in a way I hope is not reflective of the next 12 months. Oops.

Actually, the holiday at home was exceptionally pleasant. It gave me a much needed break from the hustle and bustle in Denver while reminding me of the special and incredible people I have in my life down South. I am blessed to have friends from my various pasts all over Nashville, a network that has taken years and years to build. I have to remember that sentiment as I struggle sometimes to find my niche in this new city. In contrast, visiting Nashville also reminded me how much I love this new town that has become my home, so utterly and so thoroughly, and I enjoyed the time to breathe and reflect on all of these realizations.

The past year has been nothing if not formative, challenging, and blissful. I am by turns passionately in love with the people around me, the work I do, the talents I posesss, and the love I feel; and hopelessly sad, lonely, unsatisfied, and doubtful by others. I am not the same girl I was a year ago, and while I’m grateful for the growth 2012 inspired, I wonder if the Pamela I want to be is the person I’m cultivating day by day.

2013 is a year of big things. I will no longer be on my mother’s health insurance (26 here I come!). I will be closer to 30 than 20. I won’t be “new” to Denver. My mother will be rehabbing from surgery and my brother is planning to graduate. Life is speeding up in ways unimaginable, and I will probably spend the year trying to slow it down. I have plans virtually every weekend until March, and on into May and even October. This year will be over before I know it. So I hope I have something to show for it on the other side.

Yes, there are resolutions. Well, resolution, singular. Make mental health a priority. This is broad. Good, because it gives me options. Bad, because it lacks focus. It encompasses a huge number of actions I could take, and I hope I do, but this also means I might favor easier choices than harder ones. Thus, I’ve made a list to hold myself accountable.

I’m getting real honest up in here. Bear with me.

1) Find a therapist. An unbiased, reasonable figure who has no choice but to listen to me and possibly offer advice sounds like the best thing ever. I’m prioritizing this for February, when my new health insurance kicks in.

2) Cut back on substances. I’ve decided that I like me more when I’m living in an unaltered state, just existing and not forcing the issue. Not only is it healthier and cheaper, I feel like a better girlfriend, employee, and individual when my head is clear. Plus, waking up without a hangover on a Sunday is AWESOME. I definitely want to enjoy myself, but not at the expense of well, myself.

3) Keep doing yoga. I’m usually good about going to my free Thursday night class, but as of Jan 1 it’s been moved to Fridays. Sooooo bummed out. Thus, I need to find a new class and make sure I’m actually going. I’ll be good for a few weeks, but then I fall off the bandwagon for a while and basically have to start all over with my practice. Yoga is my meditation, exercise, and me-time all in one. So necessary!

4) Be intentionally creative. I want to learn to paint, I want to pick my violin back up, I want to read more, I want to write more, and I want to cook more. Instead of just wanting and wishing and hoping, I need to intentionally DO. Being talented or recognized or successful isn’t the point. Doing is the point.

5) Value good memories in the midst of bad. I let any negative thing that happens to me gain more power than it should and eat all of the pleasure out of the rest of my life. I struggle to recognize this as it’s happening, but with practice, intention and that therapist from #1, I’m hopeful I can remember all that is amazing, wonderful, exceptional, and good in the face of bad.

Shoo! This is a big list!

So, here goes nothing. This is truly a year-long resolution, because actually executing on everything will take a lot of effort, a lot of determination, and a lot of focus on the final goal. But I’m okay with that. For the first time in my life, I’m okay with the fact that my big hopes and dreams are actually pretty small. I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want to be the CEO of anything. I don’t want to go to grad school. I don’t want to be filthy rich or amazingly beautiful or married with children (yet).

I just want to be mentally healthy. Right now, that’s everything. And that’s enough.

To 2013! Best of luck in your own New Year’s resolutions. :)

xoxo, Pamela

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