I barely know how to begin a post these days, as I fear my absence has created a void between my life and this blog that feels insurmountably large for an opening sentence.
Despite my utter lack of engagement with writing recently, I have been hoarding story after story in the recesses of my brain. Really, it’s embarrassing how much I have let pass me by without even a word to record the utter absurdity/hilarity/intensity/adventure of the situation, but that’s just how it goes.
The last year has been a train thisclose to flying off the tracks, ready at any moment to derail into disaster, but somehow I’ve managed to maintain the thrill ride without destroying my life in the process. I think.
At this point, my credit card is attempting to get itself under control, all of my photo IDs are finally correct and legal, my apartment has a semblance of decoration, my driving confidence is beginning to return, and my adventure of a life shows no sign of slowing down.
The tail end of this summer zoomed by faster than I could blink (I mean honestly, are we really halfway through SEPTEMBER???), crammed full with work projects, trips to breweries, concerts at Red Rocks, boat rides in New York City, hikes in the mountains, visits with good friends, and excitement every which way you look.
Frankly, I think my personal productivity has taken a bit of a nose dive (see: Blog, Girl Gone West), but I also don’t think I could fit any more into any second of my full life. And rather than do the laundry, I’d play a round of Dutch Blitz at the Lowry Beer Garden any day. Perhaps, though, some would disagree.
Maybe I’m just making excuses for my lack of direction, for my avoidance of the future, for my apathy (antipathy?) to planning. I have felt, recently, despite my abundance of things to look forward to (With Your Friends festival in Nashville! A week home at Christmas! Big Gigantic concert at Red Rocks! Hiking in the mountains this weekend!) that my future feels a little….grim? Not only does the world feel like it’s falling apart of around us (just listen to the news!), but I personally feel like I’m lacking focus in my drive for a tangible future goal.
Basically: what do I want to be when I grow up?
Friends around me are graduating from law school, med school, grad school, while others are going back to prepare for a lifelong profession. Peers are starting their own companies or working on ways to expand their current entrepreneurial efforts. Young twentysomethings in every industry are pursuing their dreams while honing their talents. And…what am I doing? What is the one thing that I want to do for the rest of my life, the one thing that will give me purpose and passion and success?
I think about it a lot. I fret about it a lot. I worry that I’m setting myself up for failure. I wonder where my road map to my thirties lies. What comes next?
I guess it boils down to the fact that I worry all of this is ephemeral. This perpetual state of elation that is mitigated only by the occasional tough conversation, a frustrating day listening to the troubles of our country and beyond, or even just a state of neutrality instead of ecstasy. It is said that happiness isn’t something you attain after years of hard work – it exists in the good moments you have every day. But is that enough?
Will happiness pay my bills? Will happiness keep me employed? Will happiness keep my limbs functioning in one piece? Will happiness keep those around me safe?
Will happiness keep me happy?
It would be nice to have a purpose, as backup for when things get rough.
This post was intended to be a happy, upbeat story containing the highlights of the past several months of my life, but I just couldn’t do that again. If this blog is to truly reflect me, it should contain the whole story. And the whole story includes self-doubt, fear, jealousy, anxiety, and even despair. I mostly spend my time on the positive side of the emotional spectrum, but when negativity rolls in, I have trouble seeing any of the good.
I’m working on it.
In the meantime, I’m taking each day as it comes, appreciating the moments as they happen, telling my people I love them, and living in the NOW as much as possible. The future will come, as it is wont to do, and I just have to hope that I can handle whatever comes my way.