Oh my gosh, where do I even begin???? How ARE you, my lovely readers? I mean, if you’re still there. There hasn’t been a lot going on around here for the past few months, and I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed this space. So I’m back, for however long that might last.
So much to say!
The past few months have been simply outstanding, I can’t even believe it. I’ve said this before, but I honestly couldn’t write my life better than I’m living it. Sometimes that can be hard to see when I’m IN IT, living the moment, when I’m tired or stressed from work or feeling all dramatic and depressed about the problem du jour, or, god forbid, HUNGRY… but every time I take a step back to look around, see how far I’ve come and how much has happened, I’m so exceptionally surprised by how gosh darn GOOD it all is.
This warm season that so unfortunately rendered the end of the ski season a bust (I cannot express how excited I am for next winter!) has opened up the possibilities of summer far earlier than expected, and wow, what possibilities! With after-work volleyball in Wash Park, long weekend hikes in the vast wilderness of Pike National Forest, crazy music and shows all the time all over Denver, extravagant group meals at interesting ethnic restaurants, brunch (SUNDAY FUNDAY!), wine tastings that turn into midnight conversations, lazy bike rides around the city, and so much good beer, this summer is shaping up to be the best by far. 2012 is still making good on its promise we made way back in January, that’s for sure.
And I haven’t even begun to truly experience the best of what this state has to offer in the warmer months: camping, mountain biking, climbing, rafting, fly fishing, RED ROCKS. The best part is that EVERYONE loves to be outside, soaking up the humidity-free and bug-free sunshine, reveling in the adrenaline rush of constant physical challenges, seeking always the adventure waiting just around the corner.
I’m especially enjoying the bewildering Colorado landscapes. The more I see, the more alien it feels. Nashville, and the Southeast, are so lush and green, a striking contrast to the harsh, dry, and grand scenery of the West. Every mountain pass I cross inspires new respect for the pioneers who came out here in covered wagons and braved the treacherous terrain, and paved the way for weekend warriors like myself to move and enjoy this big city plopped down in even bigger mountains.
The broad expanses of such harsh beauty have both inspired and intimidated me over these past several months. Despite the adventures, and the people, and the parties, I’ve suffered from debilitating doubts and emotional extremes and a crushing lack of self confidence that has challenged me every single day. Is this where I’m supposed to be? Is Denver bringing me happiness that will last into the future, or is this fleeting and ephemeral and short-lived? I worry every day that, for every bit of good, there is an equal and opposite amount of bad coming down the pipeline, in the way that life goes up and down, endlessly.
This city has sucked me in so quickly, so deeply, so inextricably, and I know I’ll never be the same. And that was the plan, I think. To challenge my possibilities, to be constantly evolving. The thought of stagnating and floating through this one single life I have been so blessed to live is simply abhorrent to me. But at the same time, I worry that the very essence of what makes me Pamela is being absorbed into this whirlwind of opportunity and…I don’t want to lose sight of her.
I have the world at my fingertips, I know this. I am one of the lucky ones of my generation to not only have a job that is professionally exciting, but affords me the ability to conduct a life I (mostly) want to live. I have a family that supports me in my every endeavor, no matter how crazy that might be (Pack up your car and drive to a new city without an apartment or job? Sure, why not!). I have the intelligence, drive, and wherewithal to go after and likely accomplish pretty much anything I want. Failure, setback, heartache, disappointment, and continued challenges are absolutely part of the game, but I think I can handle it.
I have to remember, despite it all (or because of it all?), that this is okay. What is it about being a twentysomething that just feels SO hard??? Even though I’m the oldest I’ve ever been (25 OMG!!!!), I spend a lot of time reminding myself that I’m *only* 25. I’m still exceptionally young. Of COURSE I’m going to feel stress about, well, everything. I’m all but an angsty teenager at this point. I have no immediate plans for marriage, for children, for a mortgage, so now is the time to deal with all these feelings and really figure my shit out, while I’m unencumbered and untethered and unconcerned. Right?
So if you’re down for the ride, stick around. I hope to be spending more time in this space in the near future. Nothing helps me understand the tangle of thoughts in my head better than writing it all down, where I can see it all in black and white and really understand what it all means. Frankly, I need it. I miss it.
Welcome back. Enter if you dare! xoxo