Maybe you’ve noticed I’ve been missing for quite a few days. My apologies. Life has actually been okay, with some noteworthy yoga sessions and my company’s holiday party last night – complete with a party bus.
Most of this has been overshadowed by the fact that my precious baby girl, Gemma, died on Tuesday night.
It happened in less than an hour. I think she got into some antifreeze or was hit by a car during the 45 minutes I was at the gym that night. Otherwise, she had been inside and I have nothing poisonous she could have gotten into. I came home from the gym, and there she was, laying dead underneath my neighbor’s (parked) car.
That same neighbor was great when I rushed to her door, sobbing hysterically. She packed up my lifeless stuffed animal and drove with me to the 24 hour vet to have Gemma’s body cremated, and held me while I wept. I’m so grateful to have such understanding and giving neighbors, truly.
I’ve been avoiding my apartment ever since, and even now, sitting here, I keep expecting Gemma’s little face to come peeking around the corner. She was never far from my side when I was around the house, so it’s strange to be able to move from room to room without my little fuzzy tripping me as I go. Things that I leave on the counter stay there while I’m at work, and despite my wishing so hard that it’ll be eaten, her food bowl has remained full these last few days while I’ve ignored packing it up.
The terrible weekend I spent thinking she had died in a blizzard has actually made this mourning process somewhat familiar, and although I can’t say I’m healed, I have somewhat of a headstart on the healing process. I’ve suffered loss before (my father, my grandmothers, and my family dogs), but the difference here is that Gemma was the first and only thing to ever need me. I was her whole entire world. Nothing has ever felt more important to me than taking care of the small, beautiful creature who loved me almost as much as I loved her.
There will be more pets, and more loss, but likely this gutting feeling of having your heart emptied out into a stupid cardboard box filled with the body of your dead best friend will never get any easier. So I’m just taking it one day at a time, laughing and crying and mourning and trying to forget the pain as best I can. And I don’t think I can do that on the blog. Maybe in a few days. But in the meantime, I’m taking a break to handle my own, very real, very personal emotions without having to put audience-appropriate words to that process.
I will be back. Just give me some time.
Thank you all for being good readers. Please think some positive thoughts in my direction as I learn how to live in this quiet, lonely apartment in this big, cold city.